Pickle Olympics

        USA Today approached me.  The Sporting News asked.  Even Sports Illustrated 
inquired.  They all said, "You are a champion.  You can eat pickles faster out of 
jello like no other.  Will you please write an article about your trip to 
Washington D.C. to meet the president for us?"



        I was in a Spam.  It is an honor for these publications to ask me to write 
about my experience.  Although I must admit I was not sure if I was up to the 
4th grade writing level of USA Today.  



        My decision was easy because the other publication which asked me to write 
about my experience was The Life and Times of Harry Pickle(LATOHP).  They 
did not jump on the bandwagon.  They asked me in advance.  This made my 
decision easy because I have pride in my pickle.  Plus LATOHP has always 
stuck with me even through the Dill Juice allegation.  Let me put that 
traumatic time in my life to a rest.  I did at one point experiment with the 
Juice.  It was a mistake and I've moved on.  



        Now, If you do not know which publication I chose then you should pick up a 
USA Decay (a little journalism humor--get it--USA Decay instead of USA 
Today--and we all laugh).



        Let me reflect on my opponents.  First, the President, Rob Fleischer.  He is a 
true champion and I knew he would be competitive.  We've gone at it before.  
At the McDonald's championship in London, he took me in an ice cream cone 
contest.  In 15 minutes he ate 9 cones, while I ate 8 3\4.  You'll remember 
from the highlight reel I attempted the full cone swallow in the final 
seconds, which prompted the quotable Fleischer to say, "He ain't no Madonna."  
Fleischer's a true champion and I'm happy we're finally even.



        Now, my other opponent worried me as well, even  though he's never won 
anything.  Mark Apter trains hard.  He is one of those "Sure,I'll have one" type 
of guys you know the type, if you offer they're accepting.  One note, if one 
does offer something, one should be prepared to give, especially if Slappy 
Apter is around.  So obviously I was worried about this formidable challenge.  
The kid can eat.  



        So no, I've won the golden pickle and everyone asks, "Do you think the 
President will be a challenge?"  You'll remember the big campaign issue in 
'92, Willy Clinton was involved in a pickle eating contest while at Oxford.  He 
still claims he did not digest.  The press really grilled him on that one.  



        Now, there is a rumor which is circling around Washington D.C. that the 
President is receiving pressure from Anti-Dill Juice lobbyists.  Ted Koppel's 
panel on Nightline advised the President to shut down the government so he 
won't have to be associated with a Dill Juicer.  There is precedent as George 
Bush was linked with Arnold Schwarzenegger.



        USA Today ran a big editorial titled, "President may have to bite the Pickle."  
Obviously feeling snubbed, they wrote, "The President should not meet with 
Andrew Marchand."  That's all they wrote.  They did release a statement 
saying, " We thought about holding the editorial one more day so we could 
think of another sentence, but decided it was too timely for our audience."  
Luckily, they had the press release on file.  Is anyone else enjoying this 
journalism review?



        As you probably all know by now, the government went on strike.  The 
fronted by saying it was about the budget, but we know it is about the pickle-
-isn't it always?  I'm not discounting (pun intended) the economic squabble, 
but the pickle subject also was avoided.  Willy now claims he has no time to 
meet with Mom and me.



        Another side note, the economic agreement reached had a secret negotiator, 
a mediator.  He didn't have a press conference.  Newt had one, Willy C. had one.  
A press conference, that's not his style.  Ask the treasurer of the Pickle 
Preservation Society what he did over break and he'll probable say he was in 
Rochester.  He's Slick.